Your No Longer Cool

- You find yourself listening to talk radio.

- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

- You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

- When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

- When jogging is something you do to your memory.

- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

- All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

- You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

- You actually ASK for your father's advice.

- You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

- When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Signs Your Really Broke

# American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

# Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

# You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

# You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

# Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

# Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

# You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

# You receive care packages from Europe.

# Your bologna has no first name.

# You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

# You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

# You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

# You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

# McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

# Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."

# The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

Helpful Tips

# Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

# Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

# Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

# Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

# No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

# Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

# If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

# Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

The Love I Have

The love I have for you is like no other
a love that can not be felt by the hand
but only by the heart. A love that rushes
through your body faster than water rushes
down a waterfall. The love I have for you
is like no other A love that cannot be spoken
but can only be felt. A love that takes over
your body your mind and soul. The love I have
for you is like no other A kind of love that,
with every minute, grows, stronger and deeper
than the minute before. A love that begs to be
close nearer and beside you everyday. The
love I have for you is like no other.